Sundays; The Other End of The Spectrum

Bah, Sundays.

I know there are so many people that feel this way, but why do most of us hate Sundays? The sad truth is that most people aren’t truly happy in their job. This is also a very common feeling for those that are in a Monday-Friday job.

A couple of Fridays ago I wrote a blog post with regards to some of my anxieties and expectations of weekends. That rush of a ‘Friday feeling’ when I am running out of the door from work, looking forward to getting home but then finding, particularly if there isn’t much planned for the weekend, feeling a bit lost – not quite sure what to do with myself.

However, on the other end of the spectrum, once Sunday comes around my mood usually starts to dip slightly and I always think to myself: ‘I really cannot be bothered with work this coming week and I am not going to take next Friday for granted.’ This is of course a lie as when the next Friday comes around, I’m usually feeling the same feelings all over again.

I usually hate Sundays for the following two reasons:

• Housework: The flat is looking a little grimy and the clothes washing is starting to pile up but I usually try to procrastinate and tell myself I will do a room a day during the week, so that I don’t have to be in the position I am every Sunday. This is complete and utter bulls**t and I haven’t a clue why I do this every weekend.
• Bedtime: This has been a little bit of an anxiety for me for the last eighteen months, or so. As I begin work at 7:30am, and I have to walk to work, it means I have to drag myself out of bed at 5:30am. The waking up early matter isn’t an issue for me however, it’s the having the be asleep super early that is tricky. It means that on a Sunday I essentially sit and clock watch: ‘Nine hours until bedtime…five hours until bedtime…three hours…’ and I ultimately end up wasting time doing this obsessive, anxiety induced, activity. It then means that by the time I come to bed at around 9pm, I am freaking out at the idea of not sleeping – which results in me not getting to sleep. Ahhh bedtime brain.

I have spent many a Sunday endeavouring to focus on the above two points and ways to not feel the way that I feel as it’s never going to benefit me and I’m only going to continue to waste my time when I could be doing things I really enjoy doing. Like this. I really enjoy writing. Is it meta that I’m currently doing something that I like, whilst writing/discussing about the main points that tend to ruin my Sunday therefore doing the thing that I like? Ah, my brain is scrambled trying to figure that one out…

Are you in a Monday-Friday job and enjoy Sundays? If so, pleaseeeeeee impart some wisdom as I would love to try some things that may be of help. I’m also open to suggestions that don’t involve my arse leaving the couch however, probably best it involves some degree to physical movement…

Robyn ♥

Why I Need To Be Kinder to Myself: Confessions of a Chocoholic.

Hi, my name’s Robyn and I’m a chocoholic…

Hi Robyn.

For the last 4 years, I have managed to maintain a size 16 (UK sizing). I haven’t a clue how, I feel like I should be a size 20 at this rate given how much chocolate I have consumed over the last number of years and the severe lack of exercise.

It’s no shock to those that know me that I have a sweet-tooth. I would pick chocolate over crisps, or any other savoury snack for that matter. I was brought up in a house where if I ate my dinner I would get a pudding of sorts. It was definitely a technique used to ensure I ate all my dinner. Granted, my mum didn’t feed me with ridiculously unhealthy desserts after every meal, usually a yoghurt or a small bowl of ice cream however, that absolutely contributes to the insane sweet cravings I have after my main meal every evening.

Prior to meeting my husband I managed to, at no effort of my own, slim down to a size 12, the smallest I had been in a very long time. This was purely because I was a student at that point and worked insane hours at my part time job at the airport, meaning I didn’t really eat in the same way I do today. It was usually getting in at 10pm and eating those horrific pasta things you put in a mug and pour boiling water over. To this day I cannot stomach the stuff. But at the time it was quick, easy, and not too heavy on my stomach as I had to get to bed to be up at 6:30am for college.

Once I met Kamen he reintroduced my love of food. Even more so when we got more comfortable in our relationship. No longer was I eating stroke-induced dried mug pasta but instead I was eating home-made beef/chicken burgers, chilli con carne and hearty curries.

As I started making more money again, the love of chocolate stepped back into my life. Unfortunately this meant my thighs started getting bigger.

It took me many years to realise that I was still eating like an 18 year old but with a metabolism of someone in their mid twenties.

I’m one of those people that gains weight all over their body. I have heard from some people that that isn’t always such a bad thing as it all balances out however, I have spent the last 4 years hating my body more than what I did before. Whilst I never had the ‘sought after’ thigh gap, I struggle to wear dresses without tights now due to the extreme ‘chub rub’. My holiday to Gran Canaria in May this year was a nightmare. I think I need to invest in a pair of those handy shorts that people suffering the same problem seem to be raving about.

4 years is a very long time to hate on yourself. You can only imagine what that has done to my self esteem and confidence. Then I enter into the vicious cycle of hating my self, but then reaching for the nearest tub of Ben & Jerrys whilst crying at my image in the mirror, then hating myself again, then eating more ice-cream, chocolate or even a cheeky Dominos – you get the picture.

Even though Kamen and I have had extensive conversations about how much I hate on myself, and how much he hates it, he decided to give it one last try whilst I was on the train home from London yesterday. I absolutely love him for his efforts as, whilst I appreciate it must be infuriating for him to have to listen to me whinging on a pretty much daily basis, he is genuinely mentioning it from the bottom of his heart on the basis of how much he cares about me. We then had a small conversation when I got home.

He’s absolutely right. Whilst I should make more efforts to ensure I am doing some form of exercise regularly for my own health, why should I continue to associate being curvy with ugly?! The amount of women I have come across on social media, who are the same clothing size as me, who I have found absolutely stunning! A few of the accounts who I follow who are huge advocates for being comfortable in your own skin and embracing your beauty regardless of not being a size 8:

• Megan Crabbe (Bodyposipanda)
• Mandy Jones (Empoweredwomanproject)
• Ashley Graham
• CurvyLuce

There are of course many more but the above four accounts are just a constant daily inspiration as to where I would love to be with regards to feeling more positive about being in my own skin.

At the end of the day I am only ever going to have this body. Whilst, yes, I can go work out at the gym five days a week and eat completely clean to end up with a sculpted body at the end of it. However, I don’t want that either. I love food!! I absolutely adore chocolate; if possible I would marry it! I’m just done with hating myself on a daily basis.

I really need to try my very best to be kinder to myself, to maybe instead of stand in front of the mirror and internally think “I hate you” but say out loud “I like you, let’s be friends”. It won’t be an easy journey but definitely something I need to try doing.

Robyn ♥

 

Ugly Duckling Stage; Too Many Female Teen Swans Today, How Did They Skip It!?

On my jaunt to and from work, I tend to suffer from tunnel vision. I only focus on what’s ahead. However, today was different.

What I witnessed before me was a group of teenage girls walking home from school donning bags that are nearly the same cost as my monthly rent, swishing their perfect long locks and covered in make-up that I only managed to begin to achieve after I reached the age of 25…

The one question popped into my mind; how has this generation skipped the ugly duckling stage!? 

I remember going through different phases of this stage during my adolescence:

1. Entering a tomboy phase when I first started high school. I wore insanely baggy “Nike” pullovers, appropriate school trousers and school shoes. I didn’t understand the concept of make-up and wore my hair in a scrape back pony-tail with two strands dangling onto my face (because I didn’t want to look ridiculous, right..?).
2. When I hit the age of fourteen, I began to care slightly more about how I looked however, I went down the ‘Emo’ phase. I got all of my hair cut off so I could gel it up and had crazy colour pink added into my blonde fringe. I wore all things black, white and occasionally pink – but it was ’emo’ pink, not girly pink, which made it alright. Then when I turned fifteen I began entering the ‘scene kid’ phase. I wore bright neon colours, neon make-up and began to grow my hair.
3. Then when I hit the grand age of sixteen I began settling down to the girl I am today. I wore more ‘socially acceptable’ clothes, and actually learned the true benefit of make-up; whilst getting rid of the neon eyeshadows.

I love the fact I can look back at old photos and laugh and reminisce those dodgy days. I will have pictures to show my children and use the phrase, “And this was the day Mama made a BAD hair choice”.

What will these girls have? Ridiculously filtered Instagram pictures with perfect eyebrows and having their contour on point…yes, that is what they will have. It’s one hundred percent down to the social media culture that these kids are surrounded by, which I managed to essentially skip. I come from the MySpace, Bebo and MSN era and I was more concerned about my ‘other half’, being creative with my profile, and my MSN tagline.

I feel that this stage of every kids life is crucial, to make mistakes in terms of appearance. Having your own identity and establishing what makes you comfortable and what doesn’t.

It’s just a shame to see that these girls won’t have had a moment like this since they were about eight years old. They might have gorgeous figures, perfect faces, beautiful hair; but I would rather have the memories of the time I was the ugly duckling.

Robyn ♥

That Friday Feeling; Friend or Foe?

That Friday feeling. When you work a Monday to Friday job there is usually nothing better than when the end of your work day on a Friday – which for me is 3:30pm – comes round and you are practically skipping out the door.

For the first time that week, everybody in the office is your best friend and you are singing ‘byeeeee’ as you leave and wishing everyone a good weekend – essentially the complete polar opposite to how you greet them on a Monday morning. I’m a bit smug on account that when I leave, a lot of staff are still working as they don’t finish until 5pm – gimme a break guys, I am in at the crack of dawn at 7:30am!

Whilst I so look forward to a Friday night, and the weekend in general, I can’t always say that my weekends are fulfilled. I do sometimes walk back into work on the Monday morning and think, “What the actual f**k did I do with my time off!?”. This was one of many matters I discussed with my therapist this year – the fact that when I do have time on my hands, I’m not utilising the time appropriately to do the things I, apparently, really enjoy doing. I guess old habits die hard when you have had bouts of depression where doing anything, even something considered enjoyable and fulfilling, can be tasking.

The easy thing about going to work is you have a job to do and, well if you don’t, you get fired – it’s as simple as that. There is no option for you to sit with your thoughts and hope that your day starts without you actually putting the work in. I actually find life outside of work more challenging, which is why I found I struggled more being at home when I was signed off work sick for a period several years ago. I have found that I can’t always be trusted to find my own sense of contentment.

Hopefully this is something that writing again can help with, give me some form of a sense of enjoyment and purpose as opposed to staring into space whilst being the potato on the couch wishing for something to happen.

Thankfully tonight I have my husband coming home with some alcoholic beverages and then I’m going to start the new The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Madan game that was just realised today by Supermassive Games. I have been so looking forward to this game coming out after playing Until Dawn around a year/two years ago. I must admit I’m not very good at these games, I think I managed to keep two of the six characters alive from the Until Dawn game which is hopefully not a reflection to how I would cope with a similar situation in real life…

I hope that whatever you are doing, whether it is working or at home, that you are having a great Friday!

Robyn ♥